Two Sides To Every Story
by Lady Storm
Summary: A Redwall parody of Mary Sues. Chapter 8 up - Shrews ain't all dat!
1. Introductions Made and No Plot Covered

Title: Two Sides to Every Story 

Rating: PG-13 for the occasional swearword further into the story…

Disclaimer: Most characters within this story are copyright to me, though some familiar characters belong to Brian Jaques. The idea for this was from Laburum Steelfang and Cookie Pixie. Anyway… 

Summary: Inspired by Laburnum Steelfang, a poke at the Mary Sues of the Redwall universe… 

Comments: This is just a little joke I thought up after reading A Guide To Redwall Mary Sues. Any Mary Sue-ness is completely intentional. Uh, I hope. If you fail to recognize the humor in this, well, one of us needs help. No, don't answer that. 

- - - 

Chapter One: Introductions Made and no Plot Covered

Ravensnow Silkpaw was a beautiful squirrel, with intense, flaming green eyes and fire-red fur that glistened in the sun. She was a roving Warrior with skills like no other, an adept with the sword and a knack for bows and spears. Not only that, but she had a sense of impartial-ness that made her perfect for solving unfair disputes and senseless conflicts. Thankfully, or anything with sense would have killed her – 

Ravensnow's _pretty_ head snapped up, her _pretty_ face twisted into a frown. "Hey, that wasn't in the script," she said. "You're just trying to make me look bad." 

Yes, yes I am… 

Ravensnow sighed. "Whatever," Then she abruptly – and _prettily_ - said, "Come on, we're behind on the script by a few seconds already! Come _on_," she whined. _Prettily_. 

So Ravensnow Silkpaw was on her way to Redwall - 

"No, you just skipped _way_ to much here. You didn't announce my goal to reach Redwall and my heritage! You can't skip my _heritage…_" 

Ravensnow Silkpaw had a mission. A mission to go to Redwall Abbey and claim the all-powerful Sword of Martin and to gain the help of the warrior beasts living there to help her track down Celimn the Fox, the cruel beast who had thoughtlessly slaughtered her brave mother with her own dirk and drowned her handsome father in the sea, tied to a sinking ship's mast. Raven alone had skillfully and effortlessly escaped the cruel caves of Celimn, tears running down her silky, pretty cheeks, driven alone by the need of a mirror and brush to get rid of those _nasty_ tangles – 

"Oh, was NOT! Stop messing around with the plot, or whatever's left of it!" 

You're only a pawn, what do you know of the plot? 

"I'm only a _WHAT?!?!? _You ungrateful wretch, I fed and clothed you! I –" 

Uh, wrong script there, Raven. 

"Huh? Oh, my apologies. Ahem…" Ravensnow cleared her throat. "I'm only a _WHAT_?!?!?!?! You sick retarded, twisted -" She gasped. "Oh, no, no, no, I couldn't swear! My mother told me not to swear, that's rude!" 

I take it she told you not to talk to strangers, too. 

"Yes, that she did…" 

- - - 

Meanwhile, at the famous Abbey of Redwall, things were a jumble of joy and chaos rolled in one in a supreme discount taco. It was Abbot Leffin's Jubilee feast, and those not running around trying to get things ready were sticking their impatient paws where they shouldn't be - inside pots of honey, scraping off the icing from cakes, and plucking candied chestnuts from decoration platters. Every beast were enjoying themselves, except for – 

"This is so cliché," muttered Gabrielle the otter maid. She, along with her friend Torsem were not enjoying themselves the least. Both dedicated reading beasts, they had read the entire Redwall collection and were disgusted with the current events of the Abbey. 

"I know," said Torsem. The mouse and his friend were sitting up a peach tree in the orchard – 

"There are no peach trees in the orchard, genius." Gabrielle said, glaring at the non-existent author. "We should know." 

"But them again, it's a nice change," Interjected Torsem. "I'm sick of apple trees." 

"Do peaches even _grow_ on trees?" 

Umm… 

"Whatever, just get on with the story." 

Nevertheless, both friends were sitting in a peach tree, hind paws swinging in the air, unwilling to help the makings of the feast below. 

Gabrielle ranted out her anger to her understanding friend. "And can you blame us? Most of the Redwall stories take place in a setting just like this! Can't think of any right now, but on my affidavit there is. Bet you my last chestnut that once the feast is almost over, Boom, there goes the lights, and then everybeast goes silent –" 

" – And then lightning strikes, the doors open and there, in the middle of it all, the silhouette of a fair creature with a heart of gold and skillful paws stands, and then, next thing you know, they've dragged all the able-bodied beasts out to fight some war for them. Bla bla bla, we're sick of it!" Torsem angrily flung down his peach's core down. 

"Ow!" 

Gabrielle rolled her eyes. "I dare anybeast to tell me that they've never seen this kind of scene before." 

"What in Mossflower are you talking about?" Said the beast that had yelped earlier. Sister Sara emerged from the foliage surrounding the beasts, and walked underneath the branches within Gabrielle and Torsem's sight. 

"Even the names are unoriginal! Whoever wrote this needs to lay off the weed," Torsem grumbled. 

Gabrielle sniffed. "At least you _have_ an original name." 

"Well, no beast ever bore that name in the Redwall books. You have to feel sorry for Martha from Loamhedge though." 

"What are you two talking about?" Steamed Sister Sara. "You two keep ranting off about 'cliché', and what does that mean anyway?" 

Torsem gasped in mock pity. "My poor, poor sister, how did you manage to get this far without

knowing the term 'cliché'? It means 'so commonly used that it has lost it's meaning', or 'over-used'. Like Jubilee feasts. To us, that's cliché, they've happened so many times that all it is to us now a chance to get fatter." Gabrielle giggled. 

Sara tried to keep her temper. She failed. "I won't have any of this! The insolence of young 'uns today! I hope you realize that this is an occasion for rejoicing and happiness among everybeast, and that you are but tainting that very happiness with your snappy attitudes and darned extended vocabularies! To the infirmary right now, I want to see that place shining like my own beautiful muzzle when the feast begins!" 

As she left, Sister Sara heard a fragment of a sentence, which sounded remarkably similar to "That's so cliché…." 

- - - 

Alright, so it wasn't funny. But I've laid the basics for the plot, so the next chapter should be out soon; Chapter Two: Cliché-ness Overload and Bets Won. 


	2. Clicheness Overload and Bets Won

Chapter Two: Cliché-ness Overload and Bet Won

Comments: Wow, I'm surprised people actually find this funny. I must have been exposed to my own humor for too long… Kudos and replies to the reviews are at the bottom. 

- - - 

Not far from the Abbey of Redwall, Ravensnow lay sprawled on the ground, enjoying the sun's heat on her beautiful fur. She blinked and sat up. 

"That's a pretty boring intro, you know." 

Exactly three hundred and eighty-nine paw steps northwest of the south gate of Redwall Abbey, laying down on the soft grass and staring up at the tranquil white clouds was Raven, a squirrel with fire-red fur. She – 

"You forgot my eyes! You can't forget my _eyes_," She whined.

Exactly three hundred and eighty-nine paw steps northwest of the south gate of Redwall Abbey, laying down on the soft grass and staring up at the tranquil white clouds was Raven, a squirrel with fire-red fur and intense emerald eyes. She –

"Add more about my bushy tail, why don't you?" 

If you don't like it, write it yourself! 

Raven paused and stared at a random tree in front of her. "Fine," She said finally. "I will. 

So she snapped her finders and instantly a Powerbook appears in front of her, complete with satelite internet and CD drive. Raven started typing madly. 

I - Hey, is that XP? 

"Yeah. Your point?" 

XP can't get anything done. A _virus_ is more effective than that trash. 

"Not on my Powerbook, it isn't. _My_ XP works fine."

__

Your XP and _my_ XP are the same. Talking about that – Oh, for the love of Brian Jaques, put that away! That's breaking all the rules of fanfiction – characters can't their own _stories_, for goodness sakes! 

"In your world, maybe." Raven sniffed. 

Turn it off! Brian Jaques will have my head! 

"Who's this Brian Jaques you keep ranting about?" 

He created this world! 

Ravensnow screamed and leaped up, running away. "Blasphemy! That's Blasphemy! Stop your god-cursed cult!" 

…But he didn't create you. 

Raven stopped. "Oh. That's okay, then."

…I did. 

"Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!! The horror! The horror!" She ran off into the woodlands, her technical equipment forgotten. 

- - - 

The Jubilee Feast had finally begun, and Torsem and Gabrielle were taking their time cleaning the infirmary. Gabrielle was sitting on one of the beds, a wad of paper in front of her while Torsem the mouse sweeped random spots of the floor. 

"Listen to this," Gabrielle said suddenly, jumping up from the bed. "The author has wasted twenty-two lines of valuable words having a pleasant conversation with a random Mary Sue. We'll be rotting by the time the plot unfolds." 

Torsem put down the broom and walked over to Gabrielle, looking over her shoulder to read the script she was holding. He shook his head sadly. "It's obvious. Writer's block, that's her problem."

"She'll have a bigger problem if she doesn't get her rear in gear and write _something_ that jumpstarts the plot!" 

The friends stopped when they heard somebeast knocking at the door. Abbot Leffin stepped inside. 

"My children, what are you doing in this boring old infirmary?" He asked kindly. 

"Sister Sara made us, Father," Torsem said solemnly and bowed his head. Gabrielle followed suit. 

The Father Abbot of Redwall chuckled. "I'm sure that the infirmary won't be needed anytime soon. You two go out and enjoy yourselves." 

And that's how they once again found themselves sitting in a mango tree. 

"Peach!" 

I don't get paid enough for this… 

- - - 

After the Jubilee was well underway and everybeast was enjoying themselves, Sister Billy-Bob-Jo noticed some clouds rolling in. She nudged Matthias XVII, who was sitting next to her, and asked him if he'd be kind enough to ring the bells to announce the coming of bad weather, please? Thank you, it would mean a lot to her. 

Torsem noticed this and stared around disgusted, not sure where the author was. "You can't even write a proper conversation right?" 

Sister Sara sniffed from across the table, three seats to his right. "Who are you talking to, Torsem?" 

Gabrielle snapped in. "His imaginary friend. You wouldn't be interested." 

Sister Sara huffily looked the other way, her nose – 

"It's a beautiful muzzle, not a nose!" 

- Her beautiful muzzle pointing up. 

- - - 

When the feast was almost over and everybeast was lying back, patting their bulging stomachs and chatting, a roll of thunder loudly announced its presence. Dibbuns jumped, and the two skeptics looked up. 

"Five, four, three, two, one…" they muttered. 

Boom. 

The huge doors of the main hall slammed open, revealing the harshness of the weather outside. In between the two doors, however, stood the silhouette of a squirrel. Nobeast said anything for a long time, until – 

"A squirrel. I win." 

- - - 

Stay tuned right here on the Redwall section at FanFiction.net for the next chapter; Dreams, Lies, and the Language of the Gods. 

Here Be Thanks: 

Catty Engles: Since no one ever called any Redwall story of mine amazing... thanks for the wonderful compliment! 

Bubonic Woodchuck: Thank you very much! 

tigerlily-2250: Indeed, though I'd rather chocolate over general sugar. Thank you!

Dawnfighter: To burn things, we need wood. You and I are going to burn them to the bloody ground... Cough. Thank you anyways.

Laburnum Steelfang: Actually, I'm taking every detail of Mary Sues you write down and adding it to the Sue here. This story lives off your guide, so update quick!

Yuoofox: Oh, so they do! I wasn't sure. Thank you very much for that idea, I think I might just add it in... heh heh heh...

Acoustical Ferret: Funny thing is, the first time I heard 'Breakage of the fourth wall' was in a Artemis Fowl/Harry Potter crossover parody. Thank you anyways.


	3. Dreams, Lies, and maybe not the Language...

Chapter Title: Lies, Dreams, and the Language of the Gods

Comments: I think someone mentioned this, I can't be sure. But to get italics/bold/underlined script, you actually have to write up your story in Word Pad but save it as ***.html**. That's what I found out. *Shrug* Anyway. 

[EDIT] I would have updated sooner, but the floppy this was on went screwy and decided to be a bitch at the last moment. Darn! Me and my excuses.... 

- - - 

"A Squirrel. I win." 

Heads turned to Torsem and Gabrielle, who were talking together. Torsem looked put out while Gabrielle grinned. "Hand over the cash – er, chestnuts." 

Torsem handed her a pawful of candied chestnuts. "It wasn't a fair bet – you read ahead in the script!" 

The onlookers started doubting the youngsters' sanity. 

- - - 

"Ahem," Ravensnow, the silhouetted creature, said quietly. How dare they, those young snips, ruining her entrance! She had practiced banging open those doors - the small wicker gates on the edges of the abbey were silent - and it was harder than it looked! They just didn't appreciate their freedom, she thought, being completely off-topic and neglecting the fact that she too was a free beast now. "Ahem!" She said again, louder this time. 

Her attempts at being noticed were drowned out by Torsem's shouts of "Cheater! Cheater! You Mary Suuuuuue!" and Gabrielle's gasp of disbelief and anger, so she used this time by licking her paws then wiping them around her eyes and pinching her cheeks to make them look rosier – neglecting the fact that her fur was red and that it would make little difference – and as if she had finished crying. 

When _still_ nobeast paid attention to her but instead to Gabrielle, who was shouting, "Your father was a Marty Stu and your mother was a Mary Sue!" and Torsem's screech of "How dare you insult my family that way!", she started slashing her claws against her skin to make scratches, wincing because of the pain. 

'No! I must be strong!' She thought. 'My beloved parents had worse than this! They died to give me freedom' – 

Um, no, they just died. For no reason. 

Raven gasped. 'Shut up, stop reading my mind! And stop bad-mouthing my extremely unlucky, piteous, and beautiful family!' 

So Raven kept slashing herself, thinking angsty, sad, sob-worthy thoughts while Torsem and Gabrielle ran around the hall, one chasing the other with a broom while the elders watched in horrified fascination. 

"Where did we go wrong?" Abbot Leffin shook his head sadly. 

Sister Sara sobbed. "And all the times I was rude to them – if only I had known they were mentally challenged, I wouldn't even had thought of it! Oh, how I regret it now…" 

Drake Spike, late descendent of Ambrose Spike, was angry, however. "Oooh, my great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather knew they should have made St. Ninians' an Insane Asylum, but nooooo, it had to be church instead, didn't it? Well, look at all the good _that_ did!" 

- - - 

Ravensnow was peeved. She had never been ignored for this long – even in the forest, birds had song for her, awestruck by her beauty, and here she was, in a bloody Abbey, and nobeast paid the slightest attention to her and her drool-worthy beauty! This went against every law in The Book of The Mary Sue, though Ravensnow knew not the meaning of 'Mary Sue'… nevertheless, it was blasphemy! 

She knew she had to take things within her own paws. This had gone on long enough. Ravensnow walked drunkenly to the inside of the circle the beasts had made around Gabrielle and Torsem in an effort to stop them from hurting themselves, and then brought the back of her paw to her forehead with a flourish, and swooped into a graceful faint, complete with a little "Ooohh…". 

That got their attention. 

"Oh, my, look at that extremely unlucky, piteous, and beautiful creature and her wondrous crimson fur! We must help her!" 

"Goodness me, see those awful, obviously-fake-yet-deep scratches on her wrists! She must have fainted from the unfathomable pain!" 

More like lack of attention… 

Meanwhile, Torsem and Gabrielle had stopped their brainless charade, faced with the confrontation of their first Mary Sue. They immediately made up and apologized for their insults, knowing they would need the other's help in saving the Abbey from the dreaded Sue. 

"Now, now!" The Abbot said loudly, getting everybeasts' attention. "We will resume the feast tomorrow, but for now I suggest we all lay our heads down to sleep. Would all the brothers and sisters of the order come forward, please, while our helpers help the Dibbuns up to bed?" 

If anybeast didn't agree, they obviously didn't show it, because he was the Abbot, and the Abbot's word was law, whether they agreed or not. Yet Abbots have a tendency to disguise his commands with questions. 

Gabrielle coughed. "Interesting, I'm sure, Miss Philosopher, but that's way off topic…" 

Oh. Sorry. 

So everybeast herded off, some to their duties, others to their beds. It may not look like it, but running after somebeast with a broom and shouting insults was very tiring, so Gabrielle and Torsem stumbled up to their rooms, minds buzzing with questions. 

- - - 

Somehow, during all the gaping and shouting, Ravensnow had fallen asleep. She had the most beautiful dream. In her dream, she was surrounded by sweet-smelling fog – which was a somewhat disgusting pink in any other beasts' mind, but her mind was already twisted and not functioning right since the moment she was born, so she thought it was a lovely color. Anyway, it was dark. Everywhere she looked, darkness followed, like a bad dream of fouls things that refused to let any light through. But then – a light! The light came from a handsome mouse in armor who's expression made Raven feel safe and tranquil. 

But, oh, how handsome he was! Almost as good looking as Raven herself, which was saying something - in her own twisted mind, anyway. No beast would ever get close to her real beauty! Nevertheless, Raven smiled. He must be her future husband! Only the best with a heart as pure as hers could claim her hand, and she was sure that he was The One. He would kneel before her any second now, and ask for her hand and say that he had dreamed of her many nights and had fallen hopelessly in love with her – 

She couldn't help it. She burst out – "Marry me!" 

The mouse's expression went from easy to disturbed in a flash. "Er, no thanks, I'm already taken –" 

Raven couldn't believe it. A male refusing her offer to take her hand? He musnt have realized that this was a once in a life time occurrence! But if he was already taken, and refused, he must have the purest heart of all, to refuse her beauty for the one he loved. Awww! So Raven decided to give him another chance. She was the best he'll ever get, anyway. 

She had quite a surprise when he stood in front of her and said clearly, slowly, "Listen, child, to what I have to tell you…" 

Child? One point off on the rating chart there. She couldn't have a husband that called her 'child'… 

Nevertheless, Raven bent forward to hear. She jumped when she heard – 

"SCRAM!!" 

She gave a start, staring at the mouse in armor with wide eyes. "Wha – what?" 

The mouse nodded. "You heard me, Sue! Begone from this place, we do not welcome you, we cannot allow these sacred stones to be tainted with your Sue-ness!" 

Then the dream ended, and Raven woke abruptly, sitting up, and found herself in a infirmary or sorts. 

"That was disturbing…" She muttered. "It was just a bad dream. Just a bad, very bad dream…" 

- - - 

Torsem, too, had a dream, as did Gabrielle. In fact, it was the same dream, a joint dream. Both found themselves surrounded by thick fog and pitch blackness everywhere. Then came the light, and soon from that light emerged Martin the Warrior, guardian spirit of Redwall. 

Neither Gabrielle nor Torsem knew what to think. Nowadays, appearances from Martin were perfectly summarized as 'cliché', but were always truthful and helpful. Was there to be a war soon, or maybe he was here to ease their troubles minds…? Yet both noticed his expression looked slightly disturbed, as if trying to forget a bad dream. Nevertheless, his voice made the two skeptics feel warm and secure. 

"You two are the wisest beasts among us about Mary Sues. That is why you must use your sarcasm, cunning, and knowledge to drive her out of Redwall so that those of us up in Dark Forest who actually know what's going on can sleep peacefully again. But it won't be that easy – she will hypnotize and brainwash countless to help her with her demonic deeds. You must save them from her clenches! Follow her, make sure she doesn't infect us all with her Sue-ness!"

The pair nodded. So the Sue was a danger to their humanity – eh, beastliness or whatever, after all! 

"She can only be killed with logic. You must wipe away any hint of her presence after she has gone so that the Mary Sue-ness does not linger and affect countless others." 

"But how can we kill her with logic?" Gabrielle cried. 

"Point out things to her – her strangeness, the pure facts, anything she does – that defies the laws of Boyle and Charles!" 

Torsem blinked. "Uh, what are the two gas laws of pressure and temperature doing here?" 

Martin frowned and glared at the script in his paw. "No idea, it was in the script, and keep in mind I get paid for this." He looked up. "But you noticed it right away – that's exactly what you need to kill the fearsome Ravensnow Silkpaw." 

"And what about when we need help – for example, if the Sue uses her Sue-ness to transport herself impossible to us?" 

"The author knows the way, children, the author knows the way…" Martin said as he started fading away. 

"Wait!" Gabrielle shouted. "Weren't you supposed to speak in rhyme?" 

Martin stopped, but kept fading away. He shouted, through the fog, "Too lazy to make one up!" 

Torsem blinked. "Well, that was… interesting." 

- - - 

The two woke at the same time, and immediately looked at each other. 

"Was it simply a dream, or…?" Gabrielle asked. 

Suddenly, Torsem noticed a roll of parchment in his hand. "How'd that get here?" he asked aloud. 

"Just open it already!" 

Slowly, Torsem did so, and read the message within. 

__

This was not a dream! You realize I'm geting paid for this!?!

-Martin

Gabrielle blinked. "Our Abbey Guardian sure is full of surprises." 

- - - 

Early chapter, so no replies to reviews yet. Yet. Yeeet. 

Oh, and sorry for dragging on the scene with Raven and Martin. I was bursting with ideas. Yet another one for the chapter title; the 'language of the gods' thing. That will actually come later because this chapter would be huge and long if I had put that in there. Scenes lead to other scenes leading to other scenes… yep. 

[EDIT] Here be thanks for the reviews from the last chapter. 

**JulyFlame**: Two reviews from you, I feel loved. Me, drive a Sue insane? That would illogical... very illogical... hm... And sure, I'll squeeze an orange tree in there somewhere. 

**Alpha Draconis1**: No idea. I guess the only way is to give them numerous faults and make their gifts small and unrecognisable. Like hedious features and a pea-size brain... no idea at all. *Shrug* 

** CDingo**: Maybe so, but Supersour Manjojuice made me choke on my carrot cake. :) She and Raven should meet one day... anyway, go for it. I'd love to see Supersour in action. Thanks for reviewing! 

** Psycho Violinist of Silentwood**: Dun dun dun duuuun... Take a wiiiiiiild guess. Thanks for the review! 

**RedFerret15:** *Backs away slowly... slowly...* Um, if there was an angst era here, I never noticed it. I'm glad it made you laugh though. Gee, I never did get around to your stories... 

**Aubreta:** Why, thanks, that's the point: to poke fun at the Sues until they are black and blue. Glad you're enjoying Raven's mental torture. 

**Liaranne:** Hey, thanks lots! It really wouldn't be half as much fun without the skeptics... heh heh heh... 

**TurquoisePhoenix:** *Munches on cookie* I can't wait to see either... ((¬.¬)) Muahahaha.... 

**Dr. Sipp:** :D Ha ha ha, yes, POWER! I love _you_ for reviewing! ...No one heard that. 

**Queerquail**: I feel loved! I feel loved! 

**Catty Engles**: ... Must you make me feel insuperior by using your darned extended vocabulary? But thank you! (The eternal language of the grateful!) 

**Purplefluffychainsaw**: You're the second to think that that part was funny. Heaven's sake, I must be to exposed to my own insanity. But thank you! And that is a usefull suggestion... very cliche... heh heh heh... 

**Bubonic Woodchuck**: Aw, man, priceless? A few bucks would be nice, but I know a compliment when I see one! (And you thought the opposite...) Thank you very much. 

**Poterat**: Gee, I didn't even realize that about the name... Shhh! Tell no one! (Kudos!) 


	4. What Ducks?

Chapter Title: What Ducks?

Comments: My excuses for not writing for so long: 

1. I got abducted by aliens. Really. 

2. It's spring. Gimme a break. Its perfect timing for trampling gardens and getting your house infested with ants. 

3. I broke my wrist. Basketball. That explains pretty much everything. 

4. I have funky brown pants.

So there you are. Read on and throw up at my lame attempts at humour! 

- - - 

The next morning was quite uneventful, unless you noticed that the Abbey turned from red to black to orange over night – 

That's the effect of the light, moron. 

Wow, I just called myself a moron. Nevertheless, there was also the fact that Ravensnow was secretly plotting to take over Redwall. She smirked evilly as she watched as she watched as she watched as she watched as she watched as she watched as she watched as she watched as she watched as she watched – 

- - - 

Somewhere, in a far off cottage in Pennsylvania… was the author. 

"Damnit, technical difficulties! I paid two cents for this crap! I'm not stinking rich, that was all I could afford! What do they take me for – a pauper?" 

Well, two cents wasn't bound to get you too far anyway. 

"Quiet, fool! Help me fix this. What should I do?" 

Maybe you should just… delete the text?

"…"

And how about replacing it with illegible writing? 

"That's beyond my capacity, and you know it." 

Just give me the laptop already. 

- - - 

The next morning was quite uneventful – for those who have a brain filled with air and flesh-eating monkeys. There was a buzz in the air as everyone gathered around the famed Ravensnow Silkpaw. As she told her story, she ate gaily, laughed freely, and made models drop dead in shame. 

"…So I didn't have any weapons, and had to take him on barehanded. But it wasn't a problem, 'cause I know Karate, you know. So I went flying in the air and did this really cool complicated move thingy that I shouldn't have remembered in the first place anyway, and –" 

"But how did you do it if you forgot how?" Interrupted a young Dibbun timidly. 

Ravensnow smiled. Bless them young ones with no brains such as hers. But they were young and did not understand how a beauty's mind worked, so she forgave them. "I said I _shouldn't_ have remembered it, but I did." 

The young ones eyes grew wide. "Ooh. But – how?" 

Raven twitched. "I… have a very good memory." 

Compared to a mosquito, I suppose.

"…So I grabbed my sword and chopped him in two –" Raven started. 

"I thought you had no weapons?" Gabrielle mocked. 

"Now, now, child! Be kind to our guest!" Sister Billy-Bob-Jo scolded. 

Raven smiled at the gentle sister and flipped her _perfect_ hair neatly behind her _perfect_ shoulders. 

- - - 

Gabrielle stomped back to where Torsem was and fumed while we tried to suck the information out of her. 

"…So now even the sister and brotherhood have taken sides with her?" 

"Of course." 

"This is bad." Torsem frowned while he nibbled on some bread. 

- - - 

"This is horrible." The author said as she inspected the script. "You're doing this all wrong and straying from the plot." 

It's better than what you would do. 

"Only because I'm tied to a chair, thanks to you, and can't reach the keys!" 

Thank goodness. 

"Well, let me tell you, this is all wrong. Silkpaw is supposed to be perfect, not demented. That's my job. And what about the dream? I _specifically_ jotted down that I wanted a scene where they discuss the dream, you illiterate foul –" 

So help me, I'm sane. I can't really help it. You are insane. You can't really blame me. 

"Well, all they do so far is sit and chat and stuff themselves to oblivion! Have something in it! Give someone a bomb, or a lighter, set a pyromaniac loose on the place, I don't care! But this is just utterly – utterly… boring!" 

I'm doing the best I can, genius!

"So, learn. I personally think a mad axe men would do the touch." 

You monster. 

"Thanks. That's why I'm tied up. Can I get a raise?" 

No, just a cheap virtual text-medal. 

"Damnit, nothing's worth it anymore." 

- - - 

"I had a dream," proclaimed Ravensnow Silkpaw importantly. Everybeast hushed for some absurd reason. 

"Go on," Prodded Abbot Leffin kindly. 

"I was visited by the Founder of this wonderful place, Martin the Warrior." 

Beast gasped. Torsem rolled his eyes. Gabrielle poked a brick. A Dibbun wet himself. 

"He… requested me to go off in search of Celimn the Fox with your help. He didn't really go into detail, so we might just be wasting our time, but who cares! Help me anyway!" She said, smiling, hoping to pursuade the Redwallers. 

Gabrielle's eyes twitched. "I'm surprised her brain didn't explode from speaking that long." 

"I'm sure the author's did." 

- - - 

Back in Pennsylvania…

Crackle! Hiss! Burn!

Uh-oh…

- - - 

"Well, we had a dream too." Gabrielle spoke up. Everybeast turned to face her. "He requested us to ki- erm, escort her on her mission." 

"Of course, t'would be foolish to ignore the advice of the Warrior." Torsem added, looking innocent and determined. 

If the dreaded Mary Sue didn't mind, she certainly didn't show it. She was steaming. 

Taking no notice, the Abbot nodded. "Of course, my children. You three will leave in the morning, and we will have your rations ready." 

As everybeast went off to act like mindless NPCs do, Torsem sighed. "Even the Abbot's familiar with this. Proclaim to leave, leave in morning, steal or take prepared food, and have a teary goodbye scene. This is totally bugged." 

"But where are we supposed to start?" 

"Well, remember what Martin said? 'The Author knows the way?'" 

"Yeah. So?" 

"Well, how many authors do we know?" 

"Many. William Shakespeare, Edgar Allan Poe, Brian Jaques, Joanne K. Rowling, Kenneth Oppel, Orson Scott Card…" 

"No, I mean, authors that we know! Like, talk to!" 

Gabrielle then understood. You don't mean -?" 

- - - 

"Get the extinguisher! Get the extinguisher! I'm on fiiiiiiiiiiire!" the author shouted as her hair was instantly dyed a dark crisp brown and wiggled madly in her chair. 

- - - 

"Yes, Lady Storm!" 

Gabrielle gasped. "No! Not her! We're doomed! How can we even talk to her-" 

Hi. 

"How'd you get here?" Torsem asked suspiciously. 

I instantly teleport when someone calls my name. 

"You're named Lady Storm? Oh, come on, your mother's got to love you more than _that_." 

Actually… 

"And what happened to your _hair_?" 

Uum… 

"Okay, never mind. You've got to help us!" 

How? 

"Well, where do we go? I'm sure that the Sue is location-challenged." 

You'd be surprised. She's a Mary Sue. Of course she has no flaws. 

Both beasts cursed. Gabrielle sat down, since both were still at the table. "Why didn't you warn us about this earlier anyway?" 

Well, it's not my job. All I do is type up the script, drink coffee, dump paint on my laptop, and torture the characters without mercy while listening to the radio. 

"…We're not going to get very far, are we." 

No, I don't think so. 

- - - 

I'm too lazy to thank everyone personally, but thanks to you all. If you have any suggestions, please send 'em in – I'll add them sooner or later, when the time is right and the characters shout bloody murder. 

If you noticed the slight change in the story – the attitude or Raven, for starters, and how I didn't point out her flawless-ness that much, please don't burn my cottage to cinders. I don't know why, but I just can't write it like that right now. I think I got too much spring in my head. Damnit, there goes to urge to trample gardens again. I'm off. 

(P.S. The chapter is titled 'What Ducks?' because there ARE no ducks in this chapter. Gees.) 


	5. Enter The Mice

****

Chapter Title: Enter The Mice

****

Authors Comments: Hey all! Thanks for waiting for so long. The reason? I'll be moving by the end of June and my internet access has already been cut off, so I now rely on my laptop, floppy disks, and university computers. But I'll try to keep them coming as much as I can.

And thanks to all my reviewers, I LOVE you! Yes, you!

- - -

****

The very next day, Gabrielle, Torsem and Ravensnow were off, relying only on Raven's memory to get

to their – or her- destination. One could say the sarcastic duo were only along for the ride.

"Are you sure you know where you're going?" Torsem asked, annoyed, as he swatted away an insect.

"Of course," responded Raven. "I never get lost." With that retort, she strutted ahead of them.

"This is nuts," complained Gabrielle, "what was Martin thinking?"

"I'm sure he had a good reason." soothed Torsem.

"You had better be right!"

- - -

Meanwhile…

"Get away! Away, I say!" roared Martin as he whacked a creature with a stick.

"Oh, come on, toots. I'm better than that Laterose beast!" said the creature. She was Fern Goldenleaf, a beautiful mouse with silver fur… and she was the Queen of Sues… and she was chasing Martin the Warrior up a tree.

"She could beat you paws down with her eyes closed," he said angrily, "so leave me alone!"

"Not until you give me a kiss!"

"NO!"

"Oh, come on…"

- - -

Back with the trio, it had begun to rain. Mouse, squirrel, and otter found shelter 'neath an Oak tree. To their non-existent luck, lightning soon crashed down not very far away from them with a vengeance.

"Great!" moaned Torsem.

"Indeed," Gabrielle muttered. The two watched in silence as Ravensnow got a brush out of nowhere and started to comb her fur.

"Does she brush her fur every chance she gets?"

"Looks like it.

"So we're stuck with a comb-wielding Sue?"

"Yup."

"…Great."

"Indeed."

They waited for quite a while for the rain to cease, but somebeast up there wasn't too happy with them. After an hour and thirty-six minutes of fruitless hoping while the storm got alarmingly worse, Torsem yelled out, "If something doesn't happen soon, I'll hurt something!"

As in response, the lightning chose to electrify the very oak tree they were under.

"Wish granted, you imbecile!" Gabrielle shouted at him as they ran from the tree.

"Less talking, more running!" Raven shrieked as she ran away, grace forgotten, to another tree.

Gabrielle would have retorted a response if the oak tree wasn't about to fall on her.

"Gabby!" Torsem shouted out in worry. He had his own problem, however. More and more trees were crashing down as the lightning flashed in the sky, and the nearby river was overflowing. It was impossible for him to run very fast.

"Son of a Sue!" he cursed as a giant wave swept him away, and made him crash into a tree trunk, knocking him unconscious.

"No-!" Gabrielle gasped as she reached the tree with Raven, who pulled her out of the way of a rotating trunk. Yet neither of them saw the wave of water that sent both underwater.

Gabrielle's vision began to fade away in blackness and she gulped in water. She flailed around, and her paws connected with Raven's unconscious body floating in the surface. Panic set in just as the lack of air knocked her out.

- - -

A little while later, Torsem woke to a throbbing headache and the sound of two male voices conversing.

"Geese, that was some flash flood."

"Yeah, holy cow."

"Think they'll be okay?"

"'Course. The author's gotta be crazy to have them die so soon."

"That's not comforting. You know that she's like."

"Constantly high-strung off coffee?"

"Yup."

"…We may have a problem here."

Torsem groaned. He turned his head to see who was talking, but his eyesight was still blurry, and the figures swam in his vision.

"You okay, mate?" Asked one of them, who seemed to be rotating in circles.

"Yeah. Just… stay still." Torsem's eyesight seemed to be improving a little. His eyes widened as he saw who they were. One he did not recognize, but the other…

"Martin?" he asked, disbelieving.

"Hello to you too." Martin smiled.

"What about me?" Pouted the other male. He was a chubby cheerful-looking mouse who had an dagger stashed away in his belt.

"Meet Gonff," Martin introduced him. "You'll never find a cheerier thief anywhere. Or your pies, come to think of it."

"Cheers," winked Gonff.

"What are you doing here?" asked Torsem. "And where are we?"

"First question – we were worried about you, mate." Gonff replied.

"Really?"

"No."

"Oh, thanks. Go off and crush all my joy, why don't you."

"Well, look, it was really boring up there! Plus Martin needed to get away from his stalker…" Gonff grinned at Martin, who winced. "Fan trouble, you could say."

"Oh, shut up! You have no idea what it's like to be chased by a troupe of females with signs!" Martin sniffed.

"I can only imagine," Gonff said as he shook his head.

"Isn't that a song?"

"Yeah."

"Uum, could you two…?" Torsem coughed.

"Oh, right. Sorry."

"So where are we?"

"On the roof of St. Ninians."

- - -

Did I mention that my birthday is on the 28th? xD 

#&%&(%!!?! Wordpad formatting! The very first paragraph into the story is screwed up and I can't do anything about it. This sucks.

Yay! I have other ideas, but I'm hungry and I swore that I wouldn't get up until I finished this chapter… I'm so cheap, I cheat myself. Ha! I declare this chapter completely wiped of any humour, but whatever.


	6. BONUS: Rose's Counseling Session

****

Chapter Title: Rose's Counseling Session

****

Author's Comments: Ah, another chapter at long last! Thank you for sticking with me! Actually, this isn't a real chapter, just a bonus/filler while my imagination gets hyper with coffee and comes up with something. Onward!

Pst – hope no one likes Grumm too much here.

----------------------------------------

On a fine, gloomy day in the Dark Forest, a pretty mouse maid was reading a flyer by a building. It read,

"Uriel's Relationship Counseling Session, 5 to 7pm on Wednesdays, Free! Come and talk about your problems!"

The maid, who we figured out in the past 3.67 seconds was called Laterose, read it over once again and stashed it in her apron pocket.

------------------------------------------

"At long last, it was finally arrived…

I can now, truly, simply say…

STRAIGHT ROYAL FLUSH! Beat that!"

Martin and Gonff were playing cards by a river, and Gonff was going through rehab for drama fanatics.

"Oh, give it a rest." Huffed Martin, laying down his cards. "You **always** do that."

"Yeah, but it's not my fault I always win."

"Liar! I beat you three times in a row before!"

"Only because you cheated!"

"What? Never! I'm not as cheap as you!"

"Whatchu call me?"

"Give yer gabs a rest, yer two." Skipper said as he munched on a scone. "Yer sound like two liddle ol' ladies!"

"Well, we have been dead for – how many generations?" Martin said skeptically. "You'd think we actually care what we sound like. Of course we're old."

"Heck, we're **ancient**."

"At least you two know how you died!"

"True. Talking about death is depressing."

"Anyway," Skipper interrupted. "Rose asked me to get you, Martin."

Martin looked up. "Why?"

Skip shrugged. "She had a real big frown on 'er, though. Mebbe it's something you did."

Martin gulped and got up. "See ya. Think you can finish our game?"

"Sure," Skip chuckled as he plopped down beside Gonff and looked at his cards. "See yer!"

Martin sighed and walked away.

--------------------------------------------------

"There you are, Martin!" Rose hugged him.

"Hey! What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just saw this," Rose said as she handed Martin the flyer from earlier. "I think we should go."

"What, why? We don't have any… _relationship problems_."

"No, but others have a problem with it. Think of my father!" Rose said, waving the paper around.

Martin frowned. "You're right – he practically _stalks_ us."

"So we should?"

"Well, not me, anyway."

"Why?" Rose sniffed and looked at Martin with watery eyes.

"NO! Don't – don't you dare do the puppy dog thing!" Martin groaned.

Rose whimpered.

"You're evil!"

"I got it from you! So you're gonna go with me!"

"Noo!"

"Yees!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!"

"YEEEEEEEEEEEES!"

"No."

"…Huh?"

--------------------------------------------------------

"…So that's how I came to counseling." Rose explained, sitting down in chair in a circle of females.

"Interesting Flashback," commented Uriel. "So your boyfriend didn't want to come with you?"

"No."

Uriel sighed. "Male pride." Lots of other nodded in agreement. "Thank you for sharing. Next up?"

An insanely beautiful mouse with silver fur stood up. "Hello everybeast," she said. "My name's Fern Greenleaf and the guy I want won't pay any attention to me."

"Tssk, tsk." Uriel the Vole patted Fern's back. "Now, now. Have you tried telling him how you feel?"

"Ye-yes! I – I even tried chasing him up a tree!" Fern said as she started crying.

All of the others, including Rose, shook their heads in sympathy.

"Maybe you should see if he has a relationship with someone else first. What's his name?"

"Er… Martin the second, methinks."

Rose's eye twitched. "Hold on there, bud! He's mine!"

Fern glared. "Says who?"

"Says me! I can beat you paws down!"

'Sounds familiar,' thought Fern. "Well, he'll be mine!"

"Don't mess with me! I have a slingshot, a warrior boyfriend, and a rabid mole on a leash-" She gave a tug on a rope, to which Grumm the rabid mole was tied, chewing on a chair leg. "-You got something to say!?"

"Psst, a hard-cold strawberry scone too." Columbine whispered in her ear.

"Oh, yeah. That too!" Rose warned, waving the scone in her face.

Fern Greenleaf backed off, terrorized.

"I thought so too."

So the session carried on without too many problems, until Grumm felt the need to bite Uriel's tail, to which he thought tasted too salty. Rose chased him away with a lighter while Columbine sighed and the other females huddled in the back with fear of the maniacal mouse maid. After that, the session ended just fine.

"So how was it?" Columbine asked Rose as they walked away together.

"I feel like my skull is trying to give my brain a high-five." Rose groaned as she took another aspirin and tugged on Grumm's leash, who was munching on some bark.

"Well, since you've already got a headache, wanna get drunk and have a hangover?"

"Sure!"

------------------------------------------------------

Lots of poor, innocent words and letters were hurt in this chapter. Seriously. We slaughtered them.


	7. All The Things They Said A Lot

**Comments:**_Whoa! An update…? Surely not. _

_…Got a big math test coming up? Need to memorize all those teeny-weeny countries in __Asia__? No-o problem! Just glue yourself to a computer and all your worries will disappear (until tomorrow, when you shall wake up and realize that you are doomed)! Limited time only, each sold separately, batteries not included. Not for children under the age of 1. _

EDIT: Woops. I had written the eighth chapter a day after this one, but forgot to upload it to a floppy (I wrote it on my brothers computer D:). >...

---

**Chapter 7: All They Things They Said (A Lot) **

Torsem looked around and saw that, indeed, they seemed to be in some very high place. Of course, that big finely carved statue of a beseeching mouse over there was a dead giveaway, but he tried very hard to ignore it.

"So… where is Gabrielle?" He asked, willing himself to not look at the statue-that-did-not-exist.

"Er." Martin said, but with an air of a finished sentence.

"Martin, that wasn't a finished sentence. Where is Gabrielle?"

Gonff, not troubled by such meager and useless things as pride, grinned. "No idea, pal."

"…"

"Ow! Do tell what that was for!" he pouted as he rubbed his arm where Martin had punched him.

"…So you've found me, and wasted quite a bit of time, yet do not know where Gabrielle is." Torsem's eyes narrowed.

Martin looked upwards, admiring the clouds, which admittedly _were_ pretty fluffy-looking. Yet that one over there looked like a fish, which were so over-rated….

-

_…Somewhere off in another dimension, the author was punched by an invisible force. _

"Ow! Again! I better stop drinking all that coffee_." She looked around. "_Aw, nah_," the author said off-handedly as she took another sip from a mug…_

_-_

"That's right!" Gonff smiled. Martin closed his eyes and his arm flew out from his side, hitting Gonff effectively on the cheek which resulted in Gonff falling over and whimpering.

"Thank you," Torsem muttered as he sifted through his sack for Tylenol.

"Well, we can start looking for her with you, then we'll be on our way."

Torsem looked up from trying to deciding which brand of aspirin to use. "I thought you said you were coming with us?"

Martin bit his lip and shrugged. "The author might possibly have EBADD. She just recently changed this about a minu- actually, a month ago."

"…EBADD?"

"Extremely Bad Attention Deficit Disorder."

"…Let's just go look for Gabrielle now." Torsem said finally as he poked Gonff on the shoulder, who was at the moment muttering all the different ways he would cook Martin.

- - -

The object of concern was at the moment biting a bit of bark to keep herself from biting something… else. Raven's head was now starting to look more like a watermelon than a container for her brain, and Gabrielle would love to chomp down on it accordingly.

"Oh, my _fur_," the Mary Sue whined for the 584.07th time. "D'you know, I can only use a special brand of furwash and I just ran out? It's very expensive," Raven bragged matter-of-factly.

"Grgggrggghgg..." Gabrielle managed to say.

"So where _are_ we, anyway?" Raven said, uninterested, as she looked at her claws. Perhaps she felt that it was just something you had to say.

"Just give a couple decades to figure that out, then I'll get back to you, okay?" Gabrielle said, the bark out of her mouth for a moment. Then she saw Raven's head and her eye twitched, and was forced to shove her teeth down into the piece of tree once again.

"Oh, no need to be _mean_ about it," Raven sighed. Gabrielle stared very hard at the greenery in front of her and pictured herself dismantling Ravensnow with a hacksaw. It made her smile.

They were, in fact, trudging through the forest, veering away from the fallen logs and shedding quite a big amount of water. The sun was out again, as if apologizing for it's absence. Gabrielle wasn't feeling very forgiving, however, and cursed Torsem for leaving her with this monstrosity of a cliché.

"This mud sure is… muddy.." Raven said, looking down at her hindpaws.

Gabrielle thought about why it was that stupid people stated the obvious like no one else saw it.

"Muddy, right," muttered the otter as she once again tasted her bark.

The two continued on like this, eventually noticing the amount of rising volume as they walked on. It sounded like people arguing, but exactly what she wasn't sure.

"_You're wearin' tha bandanna wrong, genius!_" Uttered one angry bundle of vocal cords.

"_There ain't no rule on which way tae wear yar bandanna_!"

"_'Ain't' ain't a word so you ain't gonna use it,_" said another voice, smart-aleck-y-like.

"…"

"…"

"_OW! Ya… ya hit me!"_

Raven and Gabrielle looked at each other and crept into the surrounding wildlife, peering out to locate the bodiless speakers.

They saw a hastily-put together settlement on the edge of the river, with bustling bodies of small mammals that could only be shrews. They were all wearing gaudy bandannas around their heads.

Gabrielle mentally weighed the odds, and took in their numbers and weaponry. The males were all equipped with short swords, dagger-like. '_Rapiers_', she remembered. The sour-looking females were most often dragging crying babes with them, often smacking them with the back of their paws and glaring at the direction of their husbands. Overall, they did not look dangerous, but Gabrielle was slightly afraid of the wives.

"Let's go in," she whispered and prodded Raven. The Mary Sue instinctively opened her mouth to argue, but she was dragged out before her tongue formed the words.

It was like a stampede of maddened, itchy elephants, only much tinier and armed with sharp, pointy objects.

Within a moment the two were surrounded by the fierce animals, all pointing those sharp objects towards them. One newbie tried waving it around threateningly, but lost his grip and the blade fell uselessly from his paws. Gabrielle looked at him and the blade in turn. The shrew blushed.

"Comin' through, give room for yer chief," wheezed a voice at the back of the crowd. It eventually dispersed to reveal a sickly-looking shrew, obviously underfed. It seized Raven and Gabrielle up and down, trying to look big and important.

"What have ye got to say fer yerselves, eh? Yeh don't look like vermin," the chief noted dumbly.

"...Er, we come in peace?" Raven said, stumped.

The tribe of shrews looked at each other, considering this revelation. It seemed to make sense to them, and they lowered their weapons.

"Well, in that case, welcome!" the chief grinned. All remaining raised weapons were tucked away in belts. "Ahm Log-dash-a-dash-Log Stoupeed."

Gabrielle closed her eyes and regretted being born.

- - -

_……The lack of humour in this chapter is stumping me. D:/_

_"Yo is just oy backwards!"_


End file.
